I’m trying to sell my home. Should I mention the demons?
Seeking advice from a real estate expert
Dear Dr. Real Estate,
We live in a California Gothic-style home on a five-acre plot, and one-quarter of that is dark woods, full of creatures like deer, rabbits, serpents, the occasional groundhog, or even rat — and quite a few ominous demons.
We’ve lived here for 35 years. I see eight to 10 demons a year. They’re not aggressive, and you learn to take precautions. Nevertheless, I have been possessed, as have several neighbors. The demons can show up in the backyard, in the driveway, or underneath my bed at night. Once, I found one staring back at me in the bathroom mirror.
We’ve had the woods and the house exorcised several times over the years or as the paranormal investigators called it “cleansing this cursed land.” It only angered the demons. We still believe they hung old Mr. Peabody from a branch of the tall elm tree. How else could he have got up that high? We’ve accepted that the demons are here to stay.
We want to sell soon or at least list it on Airbnb. It’s simply too much house for a couple of empty nesters. I’m worried about the demon problem. What if parents of small children wanted to buy the house or come here for a weekend escape? I remember it was more challenging than puberty when our Roland had a demon using his body as a vessel. I wish I had back what I spent on getting the vomit smell out of his sheets. And my gosh, the language he used! I’m afraid the demons will be a deal breaker for many prospective buyers or renters.
We want out, but also do not want to mislead anyone. I thought of sending anonymous warning notes to property managers, but every time I did a demon leaped inside my body, gave me a guttural voice, and forced me to carve a reversed pentagram into my skin. I was only able to type this letter by sitting in a bath of holy water while Jesuit priests chanted around me. Of course, if an interested buyer or renter asks me about any strange occurrences; I will mention the demons (I think).
Help!
Blair Regan
Dear Blair,
You’re one of the main reasons real estate agents don’t like to have sellers around prospective buyers. Ideally, the demons will not be around either at your first open house or the next weekend you make your home available. Typical demons lurk in the shadows, and often only present themselves when conjured by satanic practitioners, if an ancient relic is disturbed, or if you suffer from reefer addiction. However, your demons seem to be the exception.
You’ll have to ask your lawyer about the legal obligations regarding this matter. Morally speaking, you should mention the demons to anyone who is serious about the property. You would want to know, so extend them the same courtesy. If you are concerned about bodily harm due to the demons’ wrath, ask yourself how you would feel if you learned that, after you had sold your home, the buyer’s child became a soldier of satan resulting from demon possession. What if the only souvenir renters brought back was a case of speaking in tongues?
Savvy buyers shouldn’t avoid your property, as long as you give them the facts. For one thing, you’ve lived there for 35 years relatively unscathed, beyond a few minor incidents; it’s never been life-threatening for you, although the risks are greater for children and spiritually weak adults. In fact, there have been no reported cases of death by possession. The exception is a few handfuls of individuals burned at the stake by overzealous religious fanatics, but those days are mostly behind us.
All of these facts, helpful tips on what to avoid doing (coaxing out the demons using a Ouija board), and what to do if possessed (call the Catholic church), should reassure discerning buyers. By being forthright, you’ll help them to realize it’s not a big deal.
However, it’s easy to say it’s not a big deal. Even the slightest chance of demonic possession is enough for people to dash into the protective embrace of their local priest. It may be best to list your home as a vacation rental with the title “Seeking spiritual transformation?”
YOU SLITHERING BLOOD SACK! YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE MY CLUTCHES EVEN AFTER YOUR DEATH!
Ok, I must apologize. It seems you’ve shared the demon possession with me through this letter. I can feel its evil pulsing through my body. I have control for the moment. I’m so scared. If you’re reading this, contact a paranormal expert immed — ANIMA MEA EST! ANIMA MEA EST! ANIMA MEA EST!
